By now you’re well aware of the 50%+ divorce rate in the U.S. But you may not know that second marriages divorce at a 60%+ rate and third timers have an outrageous 70%+ rate.
Doing something again without changing one’s internal processes usually results in the same outcome over and over. So let’s go back to the basic building blocks of successful relationships and marriages.
For the sake of this article, let’s assume that you’ve met someone you think might just be that special someone.
First of all, you must know what you truly want. Do you have a clear vision for your life and your primary relationship? Specifically, can you envision your “perfect life” in such rich detail that you’ll stay motivated and settle for nothing less?
In addition, you must know your values, your life purpose and your mission in life. These are some of the core building blocks to a successful life (and relationships!) and they may take significant time and energy to discover.
Likewise, it would be extremely wise if your prospective life partner has also done the same: Do they have a vision for their life? Do they know their values, their life purpose and do they have a mission for their life?
When you share your life purpose, your values, mission and vision with each other, are you both accepting of each other’s desired life? Can you support each other?
Rule number one of successful relationships is to know yourself thoroughly. Shakespeare said it best: “This above all; to thine own self be true.”
It would also be very wise of you to have a written list of at least ten non-negotiable requirements to use for screening potential partners. Furthermore, to be clear that if any of these non-negotiable requirements are missing, a life partnership will not work for you. That’s why they are called “non-negotiable.”
Has your prospective life partner shared the same with you and have the two of you thoroughly discussed this? If you don’t know exactly what you want or if you settle for less than what you want, you’ll always get a less than satisfactory relationship!
Have you both talked about the “emotional baggage” from previous relationship(s)? What will make this relationship different? Have you both taken responsibility for how you both contributed to past relationship breakdowns? Or are either (or both) of you playing the “blame game” pointing out only your past partner’s faults? If so, this is a HUGE red flag!
What new tools have you developed to deal with those old issues?
And here is perhaps one of the biggest dynamics that will make or break a life partnership: Communication...or the lack thereof. How do you know if you both know and are able to practice effective communication skills and tools?
For example, do you know how to “actively listen”, create a “safe space” for each other in times of crisis or extreme emotions, resolve conflict, make requests, and share your individual needs, wants and challenges?
Without the proper communication tools, most relationships breakdown repeatedly and eventually end, usually in excessive bitterness and anger, which is often then just carried into the next relationship.
How will you both deal with your corresponding families? Have you both discussed the boundaries and balance needed to keep your relationship intact?
How do you both show your appreciation toward each other? Do you know each other’s primary “love language”? Are you both open and affectionate with each other to the point of fulfilling each other’s needs?
So, if you’re about to make that BIG commitment to a life partnership, do yourself a BIG favor and review this article carefully and put it ALL into practice BEFORE you make the leap. DON”T be just another negative statistic!
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Ken Donaldson has practiced in Tampa Bay offering counseling, coaching, and educational programs since 1987. He is a licensed mental health counselor; board certified as an addictions professional and clinical hypnotherapist; and certified as a master relationship coach.
He is also the author of the best-selling life and relationship success book Marry YourSelf First! Saying “I DO” to a Life of Passion, Power and Purpose. Go to
http://www.marryufirst.com/ to receive your complimentary copy of the guide to the secrets to a successful life and relationships. Plus you can ask Ken your most challenging questions at
http://www.askkendonaldson.com/.You can reach Ken directly at (727) 394-7325 or through his website at
http://www.kendonaldson.com/.
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